time disappears

I smelled Hawaii the other day
In a vivid memory
Being at the large farmers market in feb of this year
How long have I known about the gene mutation
Since late two thousand fourteen I believe
Getting caught, bruised by you
Trying to fuck married people
Taking my mom to chemo
I had begun fearing for myself
For my own life
Wanting to end it because of the fear
Wanting to share my body while it was whole
Got a crush on you and got swept into it
Still wanted the bruising
My stomach rumbles
The sun is rising
Got therapy
And I'm reading things to help calm the fear
Channel anger
Let me be less American
Let me manifest love